Entry Thirty
There Is No Ending
Well, Blue Book, it's been awhile since I
last wrote in this damned thing. I've been trying to gather my act together
before I leave. Don't think I'm making any progress, but at this point and time
I'm beyond all hope for saving. There's no cure for my disease except for
ending myself, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm gonna stay here a
little longer, until the time comes when I have to go away.
A few bits and pieces of my memories
before the crash came back to me. Even if I did write it all down, I doubt any
of you would believe me, so don't bother asking. I'm not proud of the things
I've done. I'm not happy that I didn't do a thing for the people who needed me
most. I'll never do it again. Please forgive me. I swear I'll never do it
again
If you couldn't tell already, this will be
my last entry. I haven't even finished filling in all the pages, and I don't
need to. None of the things I've remembered you need to know. Don't worry. It's
okay. I'm fine. I'll be fine. At least for a while I'll be all right.
Everything will be all right. I swear.
Before I do go, I thought I ought to
mention that Wendel got fired. He'd been caught having a little intimate
meeting with Sarah in one of the patient's ward. Yeah, she came back for a
short while on a visit. I found out that she had been transferred to another
facility, or so she claimed. Yet, Wendel's affair got him fucked (no pun
intended). Well, what do I care? I'm gonna be going away soon. I'm not getting
any better but I know I'm going to be going away. Will it be a better place?
God, I hope not. I don't deserve a better place.
Mohammed Zayn was released from rehabilitation, I
hear. Apparently, he's returned to his family now. You wouldn't think it if you
knew him, but the man actually has a daughter. He seemed like he'd make a good
parent. He's a better father than I could ever imagine being, or ever dream of
having. Guess Marcus was right. I take after my old man after all. A little
bit of both of my parents, I guess--Mother's craziness, Father's stupidity.
Things are all kinds of crazy now. I don't
know where to begin. I don't know how to end. I'm really shitty with making
closures, saying goodbye. I haven't come to terms with a lot of things yet, and
I doubt I ever will. You see, my brother isn't the only one who has a hard time
taking the blame. I can't take the blame. I suppose you could say it's a trait
that runs in our family. None of it is my fault, you see? O who am I kidding?
Everything is my fault.
I'm going to see my brother again. He
lives quite away, but I have help to get there. It's been years since I last
saw him. I kinda miss him, too. Hope he doesn't mind if I show up unannounced,
but Marcus isn't gonna let me leave anytime soon. I know that for a fact.
Vincent will be here. He's waiting for me.
I don't have much time left, I'm afraid.
Next time, I'm going to kill Kavar again
for what he did. It's my fault, but neither of us deserves to get away with our
demons.
I'm going to find her again. The ghost who
watches me from the windowpane. The sweet, carved porcelain doll.... She hasn't
come to me lately and, honest to God, I'm getting a little worried. The
phantoms have been ever so quiet. Is it over?
Nah, it isn't over. It hasn't begun,
either. It's already happened, and it's never over.
Wow. There're a lot of blank pages left.
Guess this book doesn't really have much
of an ending. Sorry.
--Alexander