Entry Seven
Feeding the Sickness
Blue Book,
Think I'm gonna puke yet again. If I do
that, they'll find me passed out once more, and I don't want them to know.
They'll put me elsewhere. I'm in my room right now. They found you, Blue Book,
but we're still safe you see still safe. Because of Sarah and Dr. Wendel
they're letting me keep my Book and they're not making me show it to them. They
told me that what I did during my episode was the right thing, but I should've
gone to a staff member. A staff member to come along and shoot me up just so
that I'd stop puking but making the images keep going on and on in nightmares.
Right.
Fucking-a.
Dr. Wendel just came in a minute ago,
asking if he could read my journal. What a liar. I refused. He said he'll make
note with the staff and keep it entirely confidential, so what I write is kept
just between me and him and Sarah but who the hell does he think he's kidding?
Did I ever mention I like Sarah? I really
do. I just don't want her reading this. If she did, she'll know I'm not getting
better. She'll think badly of me. She'll know that I'm supposed to be here and
I'll never get out and I'll be stuck here forever with nothing but a blue
goddamned Book goddammit.
It's so fucked. Of all people, it was
Sarah who found me yesterday. Now I'll never have a chance. And for a moment I
thought that my life was going all so well. And then, that evening, they
found me again. Held down. Helpless. So small. Powerless and watching it all.
Froze up. Can't move. Makes my chest hurt just thinking about it. Doc tries to
get me to explain it all and my eyes burn so much I can't bring myself to make
any coherent sense I'm so drugged up and sweaty and having trouble breathing
getting dizzy the world is spinning and moving so fast it makes my stomach
churn.
Wendel tells me that I'll be put in
seclusion soon for others putting me at risk--Dr. Wolfgang's orders. Fucker
acts like it's my fault. Wendel asks but I refuse to see Marcus. "It
can't be too out of the ordinary that your brother is concerned for you, is it?"
I laughed to spite him. Didn't think I
could because my gut wrenched right then and I wanted to curl up and die, but I
laughed. You'd be surprised, doc. I'm sure you have a pretty dandy life at
home, but me? I told him that I'll kill Marcus if he ever comes near me
again. For the time being, anyway. Perhaps I shouldn't have told him that. I
don't care.
Feeling dizzy again. Can't write. Letters
are moving sideways and off the page. Think this is where I'm going to stop.
Later.
--Alexander